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Time to recollect my thoughts and progress on here again..Haha. Rereading these post reminds me how I was and what I need to do better. Well here’s another cause a lot’s on my mind today.. 

I started reading the Bible again. It’s helping me how to better understand what I should be doing and keeping my morals in check. I guess this is just my prayers being answered? Just didn’t want it happened like this but I shouldn’t question God’s plans. I will put my faith in God and move forward. If God wanted me to be with her, she will come back in my life some way some how. I am just not ready for something like this right now. Who know what I’ll want a year from now? 

This event really broke me and I was gushing emotions to anyone and everyone about my situation. Before, I guess before I was too embarrassed to open up? What I realized though is, so many people had gone through similar situations and better themselves from it. Some even messaged me first and opened up to me. Shared their story and different things they did to cope with it. Today as I was chatting with on of my friends and I learned that he is a Navy Career Counselor??! What was I doing with all these resources around me. haha. But at least now I know.

I never been so motivated to try hard in life and wanting to try hard to change/better myself. It hurts still, but I changed so much from this and still changing for the better.  Already, my daily routine has drastically changed and view in life is so different. I should be happy that I changed so much from this and how determined I am to never go back to my old ways. In that sense, I am happy and proud of myself. But it’s like a damn paradox. If she hadn’t left I wouldn’t have grown, but I never would wish this happening to anyone ever.

Things seems like they are all moving so fast now. Things are changing so fast and so much that it’s sometimes a lot to handle, but I never been so excited to think of my future. Before it was always this dark cloud that would get me down. Now life has open doors for me that I never even know they were there. Keeping busy keeps me happy and motivated. 

But on my down time sometimes like today, I can’t shake off my thought about her. Ugh. Even now, I feel like I won’t ever get over her fully..I just need to chill out with these thoughts about her if I ever do want to get over her. I was doing good, but then today I don’t know why I’m thinking again. I must remind myself I can’t dwell on the past, but use it as resource to not mess up again. Stop questioning God’s plan.

Ah, typing all this out helped. Until my next rant. Never give up Simon! You are getting closer to your goal each day! Never slow down!

04.24.14 0

Quit Bitching Simon.

You gotta realize, YOU gotta find what YOU want and FIGHT for it.

NOT what your friends want, NOT what your parents want, NOT WHAT ANYONE WANTS, BUT YOU.

FIGHT SO HARD THAT YOU ARE GONNA FUCKING DIE FOR IT. 

STOP thinking about the consequences or the past failures.

PAIN IS TEMPORARY. TAKE THIS EVENT TO MOTIVATE YOU THAT YOU CAN BE PROUD AND BE PROUD TO LOOK AT YOURSELF IN THE MIRROR!

STOP MAKING EXCUSES!!!!

04.23.14 0

Ah. Another post. I feel like this is the only place I can kind of vent to where no one will notice and say shit to me. lol.  Also a place I can come back to and reflect on these posts. 

I feel better, but at the back of my head there’s always that thought.

I tried to think of negative things to get over everything. It sort of helped, and made sense, but really that was just my insecurities and trust issues that I was dealing with. Just gotta let go and move on. Stop feeling mopey and down. You’re just feeling bad and bad for yourself cause its hard to deal with. 

But why is it so hard to let go? I wanna try anything to stop thinking about it.

Gotta stay positive and try harder in life i guess. I hope I can come to this post and laugh about it. 

04.23.14 0

Makes you think.

04.21.14 0

Cause this deadbeat town’s only here just to keep us down
While I was out, I found myself alone just thinking
If I showed up with a plane ticket
And a shiny diamond ring with your name on it
Would you wanna run away too?
Cause all I really want is you..

04.20.14 0

It’s not over yet Simon! This is the hardest thing you ever went through, but this also God’s sign and his motivational push to you to go forward. Everything was planned, you feel like it is hard now, but it is all part of his divine plan. If you didn’t have this experience would you have felt this way about life and compelled to make changes like you feel now? No, you would not. You would be doing comfortable things, taking too long to make moves. It is hard, but you wouldn’t have changed for the better if this wasn’t done. You know that but you are just trying to make this pain go away. I know, who wouldn’t feel this way? It wouldn’t be right if you didn’t. Don’t let this event get you so down, you have to fight back and fight for your life and future!! With or without her.. She isn’t there for you anymore. You are not her man, she will one day fine someone else and give her 100% of her heart as she did for this relationship and you need to understand that… Maybe you can be that Guy! But not anytime soon and you are not this person anymore. Nothing good to offer right now. You triggered this, and you need to accept it, live on and take it as a big lesson. She loved you and you loved her. It was amazing when it was good. She probably misses that relationship too I bet. But the relationship has sparked, kindled, grown into a strong flame and burned out. An amazing 8 years of your life. It was a great learning experience and you are ready for your next journey. Stop thinking of how you could of fixed things but just love it and cherish the times you had together. It is bitter sweet. Stop clinging on to the past, use it as your resource. you gleam from it. You still are a great guy Simon. You are. You need to find yourself again, your true self. You let others choose your life decisions for you and you weren’t happy with it. Maybe that is why you had this bitterness in your personality these past few years. You weren’t happy. You still are not happy. You weren’t living the life you wanted, you were letting others live your life for you making decisions on what you should decide. You choose from now on and be Happy. Do it for you and the Lord. You deserve to be happy. Be happy Simon.

04.19.14 0

I have no where else to vent to…

I feel as I am traveling through a dark cave in my life, trying to head to the speck of light and hope to guide me out of this cave. I guess I was taking too long, trying to stay comfortable and not taking the extreme way towards the light. As the light was slowly getting brighter and bigger while I persisted on, I feel like I have stumbled to the ground. As I pick myself back up to head towards the light again, the light is gone. I don’t know which way is right and which way is wrong. Which way will bring me towards the light and have the light reappear? Have I stumbled too far that the path I was taking is no longer an option? Which way do I go? I don’t want to go backwards. I feel as if I was so close to end of the tunnel, now its just back to complete darkness. All alone in this problem I stumbled myself into. Is anyone else here? Please help me. I feel so helpless and lifeless. I don’t want to think about the future or what to do without that light. Why did I take the light for granted when it was shining my way? Why didn’t I take that opportunity when I had the chance to escape this darkness? It’s too late to question my past actions now. I want to do everything I can to get out, but I am at a lost for direction.

Lord I know, I am not the greatest person, and I so much room to improve. But please help me. I don’t want to go back to my old ways and become the person that got me in this cave in the first place. I have no one or nothing to turn to. Please forgive me and help me through this. I know all emotions are just temporary in this world, but right now, I feel like I don’t want to try in anything anymore. I just want to sulk in my own misery until I die a lonely sorrow death. I have nothing to look forward to. All I wish is to try again, but I don’t even know if that is even an option.

-I feel pathetic rereading what I wrote. 

04.15.14 0

So much shit on my mind. Cannot sleep. Fuck. Sigh.

04.15.14 0
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